forty four: Welcome- 2011- Yes We Can

Katya Grokhovsky, Artist Journals, 2008/9


The breadth, the breath of the human stuffy warmth,
stretching lovingly beyond your own means
laying out the large, roughly scratched, leathery hands
hot to the touch they sway and lower you to the ground
up again

pushing tight, cursing roughly, imagining:
eating dirt, consuming spirits, wanting more: being so much less
spotting pretty hard, agonizing over the details of the damned table setting
forwarding painfully aware memories

many more unreliable wishes:
to be adored: to love
to start and manage

RIP 2010

pastel lavender desire, frosting on your cupcakes
I am wishing hopelessly
wondering
orange cat
lazy winter LA sun
pink flannel

nothing beats you
blood or rain

fast winds of thought
accumulating into whirling pools beside your feet
free falling and acrobatic challenges in my head
heart in first and foremost later
don't you forget this
I am your true only one: blue and borrowed
forgiving now and escaping,
the universe tells you to jump off the bridge:
glad to help you

hmm..
what
testing and preparing for flying
skimp up stream

flow

gather strength
shoot the loads

homage to dead women
I form into a puddle of rubbery texture
when I'm dead , I'll meet you inside the sticky cherry jam darkness, homemade

Pina Bausch
Frida Kahlo
Artemisia Gentileschi
Louise Bourgeois
Eva Hesse
Marilyn Monroe
Iris Murdoch
Virginia Woolf
Sylvia Plath
Emily Dickinson
Audrey Hepburn
Georgia O'Keefe
Hannah Hoch
Meret Oppenheim
Chanel
Catherine the Great
Camille Claudel
Jane Austen
George Sand
Edith Piaf
Madame Vionnet
Isadora Duncan
Bronte Sisters
Anna Akhmatova
Natalya Goncharova

Black prune waves, emerald green velvet traps, pomegranate wine, sucked in
plums and peaches, that was quite a traumatic reading of your palm
plus size models, marching on your street today
meaty, fleshed out, volume up, voluptuous growth: trembling
softening your resolve
squeezing, fuming, grazing: greetings
smashing cliches, fluffing egos,
creeps and line up your freaks

fake lawns and butterflies: badly made ideas floating in your wine glass

she looked around and imagined softer light. this room needs orange curtains and a vase. yes, a vase, the vase has to be green. perhaps bright green, perhaps even neon green. perhaps grass color. perhaps even a bottle. those poor flowers need to be in a green vase, in fresh water, on that table, near the entrance to the dining room. she suddenly got up from her favorite yellow faded velvet armchair and walked out of the door. lifted her skirt up. she quickly bent down and looked at her crotch. well definitely no underwear. she had no underwear on. she looked up. just neatly arranged well manicured houses in front of her. she kept holding her dress up. her white cotton skirt had blue polka dots splattered on it. her neck was covered in bed bugs' bites. she kept smiling. Los Angeles.

welcome
ornamental pursuit of excitement and anguish: salutation and disease.
I don't want you.
I just didn't think I wanted you.
perhaps I do want you one day, one day perhaps I will
Perhaps I should give you up:
I am brutally honest.
Meat.
describe: bloody raw. meat between your teeth. rotting , vicious flesh.

what the hell is love.
perhaps: unreliable and messy.
unaccomplished and real.
vile. for the sake of the mess.
undying and scrutinizing you: every inch of you

there is a pimple there is a freckle there is a nail sparkling dust in your stupid fake Disney sky
And so That was the Year
The tough skin became scales
green blue
the lovers, aside, pushed away

achievements

2011.
ready. set. welcome:

forty three: iris , virginia, sylvia....waiting longing waiting

Flowers, Viktor & Rolf Collection, Spring/Summer 2003, stills/screenshots

Falling harder

I long for the softest

purest lace of thought

Retire to calm nervous tension

relieving painfully uncovering

snow- coldest touch

I suffer and look directly at them

They stare

Sylvia, Virginia, Iris

Marching and banning your drums

Stones in your pockets

Rivers flowing, the seas, the sea

Seagulls

your brave thoughts

Screaming onwards

Go, go, go

Match your flags

I continue

Sparkling diamonds

Hands apart I have no fear

Hollow blackness and granite silence

I am upside and downwards

Reunion of thought and old feelings

You are my mountain

Embody me, you’ll understand

Or perhaps you never will

Does it matter?

To my knowledge I shall resign from you

Right now

You remind me

I crawl towards your chronic fatigue

Gather your ample skirts

Shake your meaty limbs and overflowing breasts

Standing absently minding doorways

Blurred vision

My flatfooted stumble towards you

Red lipstick candlelight

You will never leave my bed

Around your meek and weakened limbs

I am afraid

I am afraid by entering me you will steal

These emotions are worth nothing

Nothing is

The glare of the screens

the music beating your heart

Forward

For one day, you too, shall die

It won't last

I have barely gathered

What do you want from my body

Solid heavy embrace

Trembling in your selfish presence on behalf of all the others I salute you

You loved me once

Perhaps again you do

Reflective surface of my skin I can see you

From here

the state of the need

your new name

we fly back and fade to black

Leaving painfully

Behind your fingertips and traces of saliva

Silvery red and slippery

The space between you

the clown

The children we shall not know

The trees the stones of jewellery the leaves and spring

Oldest pausing backwards

rewinding

Never reaching, never floating

In Paris or London

Belonging singing praising you

The cities swoon and crumble under the heaviness of your leather boots

Stumbling over her grandeur run and laugh

Accordingly

There are no windows

No doors no exit no entries

The hidden treasures

The space

The floating worlds and slowly cooked ideas

The stew of flowers

I collected in the fields

The coffin of the melodies

The red cloth

Covering

What are you waiting for

For the treasure of stupidity

For the true value of mad rush

the flat fields and meadows

in the corn, the wheat

solo

Knowing unknowing

Rising and skies above

The loneliness pursuing

in shadows

Xmas light decoration

lurking in the smallest

details carved in whiteness

purple shadows and yellow highlights

Waiting Waiting longing longing

the light

Reminds me

I shall be terrorizing you soon

Herself

Do you know where she lies?

Somewhere around here

The children we call women

The women we call old

One day you will be what they all are amongst your mountains of junk food bright wrappers plastic to go containers and Jewel oz co bags amidst piles of unwashed laundry mimicking your relationship to your self one day it will be omitted little how large how big how small you were how thin how fat how thick one day wondering the streets of the city of oz which you create you stumble across the world of you and once upon a time you see yourself floating above yourself and shadows and lights fade and disappear and towards you opens a close up of your worn face and only then with windows or required thought of truth we shall Miracle into the future light of our deaths and only then you require anonymity of your art.

Bright bold spectacular

Working hardly

Perfecting hair

You bring her food

Enjoying the body

Rooted in loneliness

Describing in blood

I understand your Misery

Sometimes silence trembles beside me

I let it

Fuck

the world owes you nothing

the blue stain

the chunky white stroke of your paint

the brushed aside

your tiny world sins heavily

awkwardly you dance

slowly gesticulating

nowhere have I found

these types of unconsciousness

the green of pastures

to accomplish

to shock

to remind and walk

to flirt feverishly vomiting your juices

I swelled

nothing remains whilst you may weep

nothing stings anymore

golden

the troublesome boy

the best of the year

the dry mouth

the liquid

the soup

them sitting beside me

Virginia, Iris, Sylvia

Head in the oven

River

The brain stew

The active birds

Outside

The snow covered Chicago

The unwilling flights of fancy

I AM to be

awaiting

glowing in my own dark

Ah, repelling men, I rejoice

Oh gloomy days

I seek you out

The depressed awaiting collaboration

The contributions are welcome

upraised

unskilled and handsome

tint the nights

of the blankets

the coffee colored stains

the trees in your frontyards

no imitator

you try so hard to learn

words express hardly touching your toes

you burn burn burn for nobody to catch

redeeming and fasting

the true meaning

the blur

the idea

that idea

I want gypsy floated large skirts layers and volume

flowers unmatched all colors mixed

twirl and scoop swoon and return

alert

everyday is your party

Party it up girl

woman you are

refuse to be polluted and shallow

floor length tulle

barely skimming

ashes