arrival in Chicago, August 2009, parents: Tanya and Ross, photo Katya Grokhovsky
arrival in Chicago, August 2009, photo Katya GrokhovskyJust a little little nostalgic anniversary of my arrival in Chicago - one year ago, 4th of August, 2009. When the promise of arrival was before me, when the city lights opened a way forward and to my future, when I breathed a dream into my lungs. Beckoning and arising, sun and moon: here we go!!! Oh, how I know this promise, and what a perfect land to land on for the original promise of a Golden Opportunity. Hope it works hope it works, cross your fingers and close your eyes and through your closed eyelids see it, taste it smell it all, believe it...and jump higher than all those bedroom ideas and closeted fears!!! Now knowing, slightly damaged, slightly broken and crooked, now simply tougher skinned and hard metal willed, now breathing steadier, anticipation held even, distributed: now older, now stronger, obnoxious on demand, inspired always, nervous more, ambition cracked open and exposed, talents un-covered and bared nude, bloody and confident, now colder and taller, now standing still, watching closer. Listen: What a year. review. I learned, I cried, I suffered, struggled, created, destroyed, agonized. I lusted and lost and fell in and out. I grew and grew up. I am an eternal student--academic: perhaps through and through. I am lazy and have perfected the art of procrastination to the point of beauty in itself, punishing myself with extreme amount of work load. I fell into photography and love with it. I will never stop writing. I would like to do a PHD. I like America a lot. Chicago became home. I can talk about art forever. I have finally became an artist with a profession of an artist. I don't have as many fears or insecurities about everything and all in general, as I used to. I will be fine. I love teaching art and will teach art always. My art stems from overly simple and yet complicated, cliche, but so true desire to be loved and to help: my own self and others through it. Help how? I do not know, but somehow it is extremely important. It's better than anything. This and nothing else. Yes, help and cure, heal and excite, question and amuse, assume nothing, take a stance, risk it all, raise the stakes, higher!!! To love, yes, to love.
I have overcome fear of public speaking and became good at it. I am capable of living with non-artists. I am difficult to live with, but I give back . Self-tracking became an obsessive feature of life. Simply because I am alive, here and now, born, existing. To be real, perhaps you need to be seen, followed, read, observed, examined? appreciated. To live forever. What if I die? Would you know? Will I live forever as an Internet entity ? Let them know you exist? Never thought I'd want to paint again. I want to paint.
Drawing streaming-consciousness with coffee and collected leftovers of old red wine. I don't like to clean at all but once I do, it's an obsession. I love my apartment. I believe in number 13 or 31. Both are my destiny. New roommates, learning so much from people who have nothing to do with the art world. Learning: there are other worlds, other activities, really? yes, truly.
Movies on DVD:
"They shoot horses, don't they"?
Alice Neel, a documentary
Georgia O'Keeffe, a movie
Edward Scissor hands
Grey Gardens, the movie
Chicago, 2009
