photo Katya Grokhovsky, collage Katya Grokhovsky, found on a wall in family friends' house in San Jose, 2010The Question of Return always returns to a tireless traveler. I'm tired. To return. To visit. To not return. Jet lag. Time. Always limited, seemingly endless. graduate summer. Horizon unknown. Who did you see? Everyone you wanted? And more. Faces, missing each one, families of familiarity around the world. Numbness. Your visit is over, Visiting artist...
Chicago. School. Messy Studio. Home. Messy bedroom. Home, sweet? Clean clothes still in a broken laundry basket, suitcase un-opened, bags dumped, DVD cases stepped on, bottle of red wine, half-empty? Half-full and vinegary. Letters and envelopes scattered about, some dust in corners, Newly bought jars of Illy coffee, books, books on every surface: Sleep and welcome back....change of roommates, anxiety, sleepless sleepy hot nights. Feeling home. Home is where the art is. My art? seen enough? No, never enough. Ideas streaming past eyelids, always slowing down to be caught, let go in the end. Not yet. Not there yet. Closing closing, doors, opening windows. No, no dream journals. Solutions. Insatiability of making art. Replacing love. Watching Internet TV obsessively, insomnia and early mornings. 7 pm siestas. Cold world, let me finish my drink. Going-away parties, again, don't go, don't go. How shall I make more money? What are the chances: You? Apply, apply, apply-the summer of thought. PhD? what future holds. TA. Studio practice. Photography/performance/sculpture/installation/drawing..painting perhaps? What would you like to do ? Nothing and stretching to abrupt infinity. Make some Clothes? You do know how to make them...fashion degree helps? perhaps not. Large format camera, compose and learn.
Everything is at your disposal...and is there such a thing as too much choice and supposedly, freedom? Yes, it imprisons. Inspiration? No, just artist's block ...a buffet of possibilities amounts to zero output. No good. It would've been probably a great idea to have a painting summer, hole up in the middle of nowhere in nature, in some old rustic house, let the hair grow, let the clothes be loose, swim naked in the river/lake/ocean, paint the? nude? landscape? black square? no Internet....2 days, I'm done. Un-achieved, artistic goddess gone and lost in the deep-murky ends of craving of information flow....dissatisfaction and curiosity, marching forth, flags and banners.
ACHIEVE MORE
KNOW MORE
MAKE MORE
READ MORE
WATCH MORE
EXHIBIT MORE
PERFORM MORE
WRITE MORE
THINK MORE
RUN MORE
Assignments to summer:
Read those readings!
Read those books!
go to Video Data Bank: watch those videos
Join Chicago public library
Go to all museums I have not been to yet in Chicago
start that running project
cook/archive mum's/grandma's recipes
start dinner party project
apply to things
research my f u t u r e??
blind dates/project or not/ for the fun of it?
watch reality TV shows as research for thesis work
go to things
